


letters from the line continued

by Alexasnow



Series: letters from the line [5]
Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, War Horse (2011), tomhiddleston
Genre: F/M, Heartbreaking, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 20:18:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3395048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We finally get to hear from the woman of whom he has been writing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	letters from the line continued

I see the looks they cast as I walk by, they whisper and silence when I pass by, their faith in me in hanging by a thread, their eyes question me. Now I second guess every decision, they don't trust me, I feel so isolated. Another man was lost on our mission following my orders, the guilt weighs heavily upon me, I never wanted to have this responsibility, I didn't ask to be in charge.  
Their whispers echo in the broken down building we shelter in, my heart sinks with every cold stare, I am buckling under the pressure they put upon me, every decision is mine, I take so many risks but only with my life, I cannot have another death upon my conscience, the blood is on my hands, it won't come off, God help me.

Love Captain Nicholls

I know it has been some time since I have written to you, I am drained, I have been trying my best to remove what risk I can, obviously all risk cannot be removed it is a war zone, but anything I can manage alone I do so, if it means missing another night of sleep I will do it, I must consider every possibility and sometimes that takes hours, the perfect assault, minus causalities.  
But it is impossible, we have lost two more soldiers, this is all on me, one man died in the night, in silent agony, you expect a shot man to scream holly hell, but he was silent, we only discovered this in the morning when we couldn't wake him, he was stone cold, he died so quietly, without a word, unremarked, we bury another, I am so sick of making graves, I have no more rousing speeches or kind words, no platitudes left, I am angry, god damn it, take me will you, I have been here too long, I will trade me life for there's, but no I go on. The second man was dragged under the treads of a German tank, I can still hear his screams, I feel sick. I cannot prepare for the unexpected, this in war is a daily occurrence, I couldn't save them.  
Good men must become killing machines, we must give up a part of us that makes us human, then every day we are here, we sacrifice not only our lives but our souls, I feel like my mind is fuzzy, everything feels so strange. After 33 months, I didn't even think I would survive day one, never mind be here for almost three years, I didn't think the war would last so long, so many lives lost, it’s August 1945, so I am told, will this go on forever?.

From Captain Nicholls

The war is over, I can scarcely believe it. I should be ecstatic but I received news today, my brothers all three of them died in service to our country, each letter read the same, the words brought no comfort. Yes I had three brothers, I didn't want to talk of them though fear of this being the case, and worse still my family is gone, a bomb destroyed my home town, I am alone. Very few from our unit survived, some died under my command, others after we parted ways, why am I alive?, how did I survive well everyone around me dropped like flies?, I would love to believe you were my guardian angel but as much as I want this to be so, it isn't.  
I hear what is left of my unit, which is sadly also a small number, talking about going home to their families, they are smiling, hugging each other, drinking and celebrating, I feel so disconnected, I have no one waiting for me, I am alone. I sit here and question why did I deserve to survive?, when so many good men did not, I can still see them all, there faces, my brothers and my brothers in arms, and I am haunted by them, they follow me, they whisper, it’s so loud, I can’t get away. I relive their deaths over and over in my mind, flashes of the horror and bloodshed play before me as if I was still there, maybe I am still there on the line, maybe I died and am playing this out to comfort my passing.  
That fear, the humanity I can scarcely recall on day one, now I am numb, I don’t feel anything. I am bad luck for everyone related to me, everyone touched by me is in grave peril, you should probably avoid meeting me like we planned, I will only cause you pain. Do not wait for me to return, I need to go, I am sorry, I know what we shared and all that could have been, but I cannot have these ghosts follow me to you and poison that memory for me, they whisper, my unit, all of them, they talk about me, I couldn't save them, why did I survive?.

I hope you can be happy and celebrate, I find I can’t and spending time around others has become tiring, it takes too much out of me, so I wish you well in this supposed new free world.

Captain Nicholls

I hate to take over from Nicholls as I am not the adept poetic writer that he was, I do not have a way with words, I must confess a part of me did not wish to see him this way but I feel I owe him something, as the time we shared was a part of my life I treasure and when he returned home safe I thought we would meet and possibly it may lead somewhere so sadly I know this is not the case now. After his final letter I grew worried and when his communications ceased all together I was frightened for him, he had sounded so down and erratic that I feared for his safety.  
I tracked him down after pain staking months of leads going cold, sadly every lead was about him getting in to drunken fights, violence and aggression, this wasn't the Nicholls I knew, so grew more panicked at every new piece of information but I finally found him. The doctors at the facility are telling me he has what is referred to as shell shock, so many doctors tell me depressing and horrific diagnosis’s, they tell me he is not there anymore, that captain Nicholls is gone, but I refuse to believe them I must see him for myself.  
Other professional refer to him as insane, they use many terms I do not know, but I fear they all refer to the loss of his mind. They talk to me as if I am stupid, I just smile and nod bite my tongue as I am not here for them but him. I finally get to see him and it is a bitter sweet agony as I see flashes of that early polite, kind man I fell for, yes I know its strange but I fell for him, in all of his writing, the honesty, the passion and the kindness.  
He sits before me present and polite, offering me tea, when someone drops plates in the next room the clatter is barely audible in this room but Nicholls hears it, jumping out of his skin, he begins to scream, the terror in his eyes will be forever etched in to my memory. I felt afraid but I understood his fear was greater than mine, I held him as he sobbed out the names of his comrades like a mantra, as if he didn't want to forget them, he relaxes in my arms, falling into a quiet catatonic state, well that’s what the doctors said. He silently sat staring into space for the rest of our visit but I know he felt me holding on to his hand as when I let go he looked to me, eyes vacant of emotion but he still registered the world around him. It broke my heart to see him this way but I want to keep seeing him as they tell me he has no visitors his entire family was lost to this awful war, I must watch over this gentle soul.

I visited Nicholls again, he remembered me this time, I was so happy I was floating on air. Only to come crashing down when he tells me he hears them whispering to him, telling him the doctors are ex Nazis and they are trying to poison him, so he hasn't eaten in days, as he is convinced it’s not safe. I close my eyes for a moment as he continues I choke back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes but as he continues they fall down my cheeks. He is such a good man; it pains me to see him so broken. Despite the pain, I will keep coming to see him and I will let you know in the best way I can of what I hope will be progress, he deserves to come home, he could say it better than I but I will continue what he started, if only to show the world what war does to those involved, it is not glorious, it is torture.

Love Kathryn


End file.
